hello, miscellanea! I LOVE YOU MISCELLANEUM.NET. i have had a crazy few days, and i think i have lost my mind. i have been listening to company calls by death cab for cutie on repeat. this is the best song ever. if anyone ever reads this post they have to listen to this song while reading it. if you don’t i am BANNING YOUR IP ADDRESS FROM MY WEBSITE. THAT;S THE RULE!!!! LISTEN TO THE SONG.. or you are BANNNEEDDDD!
(unless you’re a person who is bad at reading and listening to music at the same time. in that case, you have to listen to that song either before or after reading this post.)

sometimes i meet people who i feel like i have invented, and i become obsessed with them. in elementary school when i spent way too much time alone (Only Child) i would invent all of these elaborate stories, sometimes loosely inspired by video games or whatever media i had consumed at the time, sometimes just whatever spawned from my brain. i would pick “favorite names” and exclusively go by them in my writings and games i would play…. for a while i would write my name as xion because i loved xion from kingdom hearts and just thought she had a cool name. then on the rare occasions i made friends (not to self-pity; i don’t care that i was bad at making friends. i was so weird), we would go to The Tree at recess (The Tree was a huge tree shaped kind of like a hand that was perfect for sitting and laying down in. it was such a popular spot that we would have to run as fast as we could as soon as we got outside to get to it and be the first people at the tree and claim it for the recess. it rocked), and i remember creating this elaborate vampire romance story that i would tell people and it would continue every recess. i made it up as i went. my friend krystal was primarily my only listener.. we would go to the tree and she’d be like You have to tell me what happens next in the vampire story. and i’d make things up. this story lasted like a month. it was so awesome.

then i got to middleschool and started playing the sims, and i was given almost unlimited tools to PLAY GOD. i would create the PERFECT CHARACTERS for my perfect little story. this has shaped me into a weird person probably…,. on the rare occasion i meet someone who resembles something i feel as though i would invent, kind of like a character from the sims, i become obsessive about them.

this is a revelation i had recently for some reason even though this is a habit i engage in a lot. i went to the hospital the other day, and my psychiatrist was perfect. her hair was down to her waist and she reminded me of a bug. her eyes were huge and she was probably in her mid to late 20s, but her voice sounded really really young. her voice somewhat sounded like the babysitter from the incredibles. i pay attention to people’s voices a lot.. i think it is really important factor in how we perceive people. i was asleep when she came over to my bed to talk to me, and i looked up at her while i was laying down and it was like there was an angel hovering over me. we talked for a long time and she was so incredibly smart. she spoke quickly and was good at communicating, which was noticeable because she would draw these connections to ask really relevant questions and tell me really interesting input she had. i told her that i was kind of a person who is quietly distressed, so people sometimes don’t take me seriously. she told me that she thought the mental health system was a little bit corrupt because people aren’t often taken seriously unless they cause scenes, but people who cause scenes are then labelled as crazy and not taken seriously in a different way. i’ve felt this way for a long time actually, and it was really cool to speak to someone who is intertwined in assisting mental health and also acknowledges how corrupt it sometimes is. she was incredibly observant too. i got distracted at one point during our conversation, and she paused and examined me for a second, like she was trying to read my face and figure out what i was thinking about. she would explain things to me in detail and then apologize for “talking at me for so long.” i would tell her not to apologize because her explanations were incredibly detailed and helpful and i liked hearing her insight. i rarely meet people like her, and she felt like a figment of my imagination. i am trying to think about her objectively as i write this, and i hope none of my bias results in me inaccurately portraying my interaction with her.

she feels a perfect person i would invent, so i can’t stop thinking about her. this is obviously a highly inappropriate thought to have about someone you have a professional relationship with, but beyond her professional input, she gave me some of her personal insights as well; she was incredibly intelligent and thoughtful, and i believe she will lead an interesting life. i’m unsure if this sentence is clear, but i do not want to delete it. to elaborate in a different way, our conversation did not just include the shallowness that professional interactions have (i believe that when people try to be professional, they attempt to be so objective that they sometimes are hesitant to express their own input or opinions; they speak strictly scientifically); she had personal insights and opinions that gave her a unique perspective of the world. i can’t remember her name, and when i got home, i had the bad idea to go through my discharge papers to try to find her name and investigate her. this is obviously crazy and violating her privacy so i did not do this. i also just do not really want to expand my thoughts on her and turn her into a character. if i made any assumptions about her beyond this interaction (which i suspect i might if i decided to research her further), i would no longer be looking at her, i would be looking at my delusion of her. my assumptions turn people into characters. i like her for what she is, and i like that simple interaction, and i don’t need more. i will just remember her, but i will admit that it is sad to meet a very special person and have them leave your life suddenly. i really liked how she looked at the world.

i sound crazy and obsessive. my terrible desire to investigate her made me feel guilty, and i realized that i just tend to become infatuated with people who feel like they come from my brain. i will very rarely meet someone, and it will feel as though i am talking to myself, like my internal monologue is having a conversation. and sometimes people will be beautiful, present themselves in a way where i felt as though i have dreamt them. i thought she was beautiful, and i thought my interaction with her was beautiful, and i do not know if i am doing justice to my interaction with her here.

she is a sim i would make. ha.

i don’t know what to do with the rest of my day or time. i’m looking out my window right now, and it looks like it might rain. i will feel relieved if it does. i love it when it rains. i need to contact my professors about how i have been awol recently, but i’ve sent out so many emails recently and rarely hear back from anyone. oh well. i’ll shower and eat, maybe go through my gradescope. i guess i just have to keep doing assignments and wait for people to get back to me. i hate when i am trying to take the steps to take care of myself, and it eventually gets out of my control. oh well.

until next time, miscellanea…… love you forever, my rainbow blog
yours truly, helena